21 funny quotes that will make you laugh

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill

 

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw

 

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres

 

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers

 

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

 

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

 

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

 

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

 

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth. Will Rogers

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth. Will Rogers

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

 

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld

 

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright

 

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

 

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray

 

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton

 

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin

 

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

 

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde

 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

 

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite